


Closure

by JaneyKatherineHummingbird



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Afterlife, Age Difference, F/M, Friendship, Funerals, Genderswap, Grieving, Memories, Star Trek Into Darkness, Temporary Death, The happy stuff is in flashbacks, female kirk - Freeform, mother/daughter interaction, sad Jamie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 20:23:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8547901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaneyKatherineHummingbird/pseuds/JaneyKatherineHummingbird
Summary: Recovering from the events of Into Darkness, Jamie looks back on her relationship with the late, lamented Admiral Christopher Pike.





	1. The Afterlife

Jamie was glad the burning pain was finally gone and she didn't have to see Spock's sad brown eyes staring at her through the glass.

Life didn't hold much appeal for her now that Khan had taken so much from her and she had gone into the Warp core without hesitation to save her crew. 

"Honey, please tell me you didn't get yourself killed already."

Her spirit leaped at the sound of Chris's voice. She hadn't heard it since the disastrous Daystrom incident that took his life and left her alone again. Turning around, she saw him standing (or was it floating?) there in front of her with that exasperated, but fond expression she was familiar with.

"Well, I was just doing captainy things," she shrugged sheepishly, "Trying to keep my ship from crashing and my crew from dying because I got targeted by Marcus and Khan. Unfortunately, it required a little....adjustment of the Warp core, which had been sabotaged. I hate to say this, but your mentor has a few screws loose." 

She yearned to get nearer to him, but didn't know if her (late) husband was approachable or not. Would he vanish if she touched him?

Chris's face went from appalled to angry to devastated as he listened to her explanation, quickly coming close in spirit form and pulling her to him. She thought he was looking better than he'd been even before Nero. 

"Oh, Jamie. I was beginning to suspect something was up with him but I never guessed he'd gone that far. With the radiation you must have been exposed to...... Shoot. That makes me sick to think you went through that. "

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few," she whispered. "I should have seen that Marcus was deceiving me. Why else would he put a compromised widowed Captain back in the chair? If I'd listened to Spock, things would never have come to this."

"You listened later and prevented even more innocent deaths, Jamie. I'm very proud of you, you know."

He brushed a hand over her cheek, which she surprisingly could feel, and she leaned against him the way she used to when they were having a moment, smiling shakily as she remembered him saying those words their last night together. 

"Do I get to stay with you forever?" She asked hopefully, looking her fill in his wise grey eyes. The last time she'd seen them, they'd been empty and lifeless, and she'd just missed getting to say goodbye. 

"Not yet, sweetheart. You've got someone else on earth who misses you deeply and is fighting his hardest to bring you back."

"You mean Bones? That man never knows when to give up. You'd think I was his own sister or something."

"Or something," Pike said mysteriously.

She put her hands on her hips and stared. 

"You're not implying Bones likes me THAT way. That's just.....impossible," She declared indignantly. "He's always stabbing me with hypos and calling me a pest, nuisance, or infant and telling me how old I make him feel. Besides, I don't want anyone but you. I love YOU. I don't want to get over you."

She buried her face in his shoulder, not wanting to ever leave. She needed him badly.  
With an understanding sigh, Chris wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. 

"I know, beautiful, and I love you too, but your time's not up yet. I'm grateful beyond words we had this time for closure, but Leonard needs you to come back. Did I ever tell you about the shovel talk he gave me when we got married?"

"No. What did he say?" 

"He strongly hinted that Centaurian slugs would be the least of my problems should I hurt you. He was unusually fierce about it and I read between the lines that is was more than a brotherly concern, but didn't hint I knew his secret." 

Jamie giggled at the thought of her gruff friend threatening Chris. Bones wouldn't hurt a flea and they both knew it, but it was the principle of the thing that counted. 

She could feel herself getting heavier and heavier and realized she was fading out. 

"You're right, Chris," she acquiesced. "I think it's time for me to go now. I promise I'll do a better job of respecting the chair now that I've learned my lesson." 

He chuckled and gave her a kiss goodbye. 

"Good, but never forget I love you."

"I won't, Chris. Love you." 

With these words, she was pulled back to her body, eyelids blinking open to see Bones's grumpy, tired face staring down at her. 

"Don't be so melodramatic, you were barely dead," he grumped.

Jamie grinned up at him despite the renewed ache of missing her husband because Chris was right, she'd never be alone. She'd have the support of her chosen family to get her through this. 

"Nice to see you, too, Bones," she managed to croak out. 

Unnoticed to her, the doctor's "legendary" hands were shaking with the depth of his relief.


	2. Awake

"How long have I been out?" Jamie murmured quietly, as Bones scanned her carefully.

"Two weeks," he answered shortly. 

"It doesn't seem like it was that long," she remarked. "I guess I missed his funeral, right?"

"I'm afraid so, Jamie," Bones confirmed as he very gently(!) applied a hypospray to her neck. "Spock's got the tape, though, when you're ready to watch it."

She closed her eyes and sighed. She didn't know if she'd ever be ready for it, but she was glad she wouldn't have her grief put on public display like her mother's had been.

"What did they do with the flag?" Jamie ventured.

"Chris's sister has it. She'll bring it by when I allow you to have visitors in a couple days."

"A couple days?!!" She whined. "Bones, that's mean!!"

The doctor was unmoved by her pleas. "Sorry, Jamie. You're in no condition to be yakking it up yet. I'll let Spock talk to you, but that's it. You were DEAD, in case you don't remember."

"Oh I do. It actually wasn't that bad, Bones. I talked to Chris on the Other Side and we ironed things out. He wouldn't let me stay, though, said it wasn't my time yet and someone down here needed me. Gee, I wonder who that was??" She lightly teased him. Bones must have really wanted her back to risk his career like this. 

But Leonard was looking at her like she was delusional so she had to defend herself.

"I know it sounds impossible, but I saw him, Bones, and I needed to. Call it an illusion if you want, but I feel like I finally said goodbye." 

She remembered seeing her husband lying there, blood all over his uniform, dying, while she'd been trying to help clear the room.

"No!" She'd screamed, ignoring the stunned looking Spock, then flung herself down to feel for a pulse. Finding none, she'd buried her face in Chris's uniform and sobbed her heart out. Then her grief had turned to rage and everything unraveled from there.

A tear trailed down her cheek as thought about the devastating moment and Bones leaned over to squeeze her hand. 

"I wish I could have saved him, too, Jamie. The good news is that bastard superhuman Khan is going back into deep freeze permanently." 

"To use one of your favorite sayings, isn't that closing the barn door after the horse got out?" Jamie asked tiredly. 

Bones looked rather proud at her word picture. "Look at you, Captain Kirk, spouting metaphors like a champ. That's a very apt choice for the situation. The Admirals are going nuts trying to undo Marcus's schemes and fix things, knowing the public scrutiny is harsh right now. Too many innocent people died and I hate that Pike was one of them. He was good for you, Jamie."

She smiled mistily, thinking back to the day they'd met in the bar. Her whole life had changed when he'd dared her to do better. 

"He WAS good for me, Bones. Very good. Plus, I would never have met your awesome grumpy self if I didn't take the dare and get on that shuttle." She yawned, exhaustion getting the better of her again. 

"I think I'm gonna go back to sleep now." 

Bones smiled at her. "Good. You do that. Best thing you can do right now." 

When she woke again, Spock was there, watching her seriously. 

"If it was anybody else, I'd be really creeped out by now. You like watching me sleep?"

Spock colored a bit. "I find it......reassuring to see your continued breathing, Captain. Recent events have somewhat compromised me." 

Oh. Yeah. She'd died in front of him. Of course, he was compromised and wanting to see she was alive, even if he was kind of weird about it. 

"I understand, Spock. We're all pretty messed up right now."

"Indeed," Spock said softly. "My continued condolences for your loss, Captain. Also, the crew is grateful for what you did to save their lives." 

She squirmed on the biobed to get more comfortable, feeling weak and stiff from two weeks unconscious. 

"Yes, well, thank YOU for saving my life, Spock."

"Uhura and I had something to do with it too!" Piped up Bones indignantly. He must have crept in while they'd been talking.

She grinned at him. He certainly had and she couldn't wait to get the full story on that, but she returned her gaze to Spock, who nodded and said "You are Welcome, Jamie." 

It was the first time he'd said her name and her heart warmed at the realization she'd finally befriended the aloof Vulcan.

They talked about the aftermath of Khan's attack and the public condemnation and disbanding of section 31. Spock wouldn't say much, due to fear of upsetting her and rousing the wrath of the doctor, but Jamie gathered enough to realize San Francisco was badly damaged. Seeing as how he wouldn't give her any more information, she switched to the personal pain and a topic she'd been wanting to ask him about ever since the ride to Kronos. 

"Spock, when you melded with Chris before he died, was he......still upset with me?" 

"I do not believe so," Spock said carefully. "He was worried for you in that moment and insisted I remove you from the building. The last clear thought I received from him was his request that I inform you of his love and his regrets for leaving you." 

Jamie swallowed hard. "Thanks, Spock. I'm glad you didn't tell me that when we were on the shuttle. I would have fallen apart and that was the last thing I needed then." Her voice fell to a whisper as she fought to keep it steady. 

"I grieve with thee, Captain," Spock said quietly. "When you wish to view the memorial service for Admiral Pike, I will send you the recording." 

Jamie was too exhausted to do anything but nod gratefully and whisper goodbye.

Spock looked at her sleeping form with concern and a heavy heart, hoping she would recover, but with such physical and emotional damage, it was much too soon to speculate.


	3. Aly arrives/How Chris and Jamie began

After three days of being restricted to Bones and Spock as company, Jamie was happy to see the rest of her bridge crew visit. She got updates from Scotty and Chekov, earnest thanks from Sulu, heartfelt apologies from Carol, and quiet comfort from Uhura, who offered to get her anything she might need from the apartment.  
Jamie took her up on that offer and gave directions for her favorite sweats, a certain picture she treasured, and her wedding ring to be brought to her. 

"That's better," she said with a sigh as it slid back on her finger.  
"I'm so glad I didn't have it with me when I went into the core. It would have had to be destroyed." 

She stared at the tiny embedded diamonds twinkling in the silver band she wasn't ready to let go of.  
Chris had put it on her finger just ten months ago and she couldn't stand the thought of putting it away so soon. 

"It really is beautiful, captain," Uhura had murmured and shared a sad look with Spock. 

"Bones, you remember this?" She asked her friend as he checked her vitals for the twenty millionth time. Jamie was holding the picture from her wedding: a shot of her and Chris kissing surrounded by the bridge crew who had been told to ham it up. Some of them followed directions better than others. 

Scotty was making a kissy face and giving a thumbs up, Chekov was pretending to gag, Uhura was mock fainting on Spock who stood stiff as a board with a martyred expression on his face. Yeoman Rand was blowing a kiss and winking at Cupcake who looked like he wanted to wink back.  
Bones looked exasperated as usual, and seemed to be squinting extra hard at Chris, even as he mimed hypoing the bride. Jamie'd thought it hysterical at first, but knowing what she knew now, the look kind of unsettled her. 

"All too well," Bones drawled, glancing at the photo. "You're all a bunch of children. I can't believe you got that one framed."

"I like personality, Bones. We had plenty of nice posed shots, but this one always makes me happy, seeing all the goofy. Chris liked it too, shockingly." 

"Gee, I wonder why?" He teased, nodding to the enthusiastic couple in the center. 

Jamie turned a tad pink. Bones had delighted in teasing the two of them about their unconventional relationship, but she knew it was all in fun and he was relieved she'd found a stable partner. 

A lot of people, on the other hand, had thought it was gross and wrong for a respected Admiral to be involved with a woman two decades younger and looked at Jamie askance like she was a impudent hussy who'd slept her way to being captain. 

As a matter of fact, she'd switched advisors early in her second year at the Academy as soon as she realized he was as interested in her so to avoid the appearance of impropriety. 

It had all been worth it, she reflected as the hypo kicked in, but how she'd wished they'd had longer together. 

"Hey Jam-up," came a friendly female voice Jamie recognized as her sister-in-law. 

"Ally!!" She exclaimed warmly. "Good to see you! I'm sorry I missed out on the service."

"Nothing to be sorry for, hon. You were half dead." Allison Pike took Jamie's hand of greeting with a look of concern. The captain imagined she wasn't a pretty sight right now, having lost weight and covered with healing bruises. She and Allison could have been aunt and niece by their ages, but Ally had never treated her as anything less than what she was--her big brother's wife, albeit an annoying one sometimes, hence the nicknames. 

"You doing alright, girl?" She asked quietly. "You barely had time to breathe before things went sideways. Last time I talked to Chris he was really upset. Said he'd had to take the Enterprise back and he felt like he'd ripped your heart out. Please tell me you two made up before he passed." 

Jamie hastened to reassure her, very thankful that she could. 

"Yes, we came to a truce before the attack happened. Shaky, but it was there. I'm so glad I did now."

She shuddered at how awful she would have felt if she'd let her wounded pride have its way that last night. Frustrated as she was that saving Spock was cause for such action, she was glad he'd been honest with her. 

Allison sat down in the chair beside her with a sigh and squeezed her hand, Familiar grey eyes heavy with sadness. 

"I have something for you," she said quietly, pulling out a triangular shaped object and handing it to Jamie. She took the folded flag and clutched it in her arms, that ever present sorrow welling up again.

"It was a lovely service, actually" Ally said, when they had both cleared their throats. "Even Komack wasn't an ass for once. Barnett was the most genuine of all the speakers and he was obviously devastated. He's going to come visit you one of these days, but he's swamped cleaning up the mess Marcus left. I still can't believe that scumbag!!"

She pounded her leg with her first angrily. 

"Chris trusted him! He believed in him! And the man was a bald-faced liar and monster!" 

"He was terrifying when he showed his true colors," Jamie admitted, still picturing the admiral ordering the destruction of the Enterprise. "I hope they dishonorably discharge him even though he's dead." 

"All the talk I've heard points that way, Jamie." Ally confirmed. "But it won't bring my brother back." Her eyes filled with tears and she and Jamie grieved together. 

"He always said he was amazed you'd fallen for him when you could have had any number of hot young studs without spinal damage and crankiness." She sniffled out after several silent minutes. 

Jamie laughed through her tears, passing Ally the box of tissues that she'd had by her side. 

"And I wondered why he'd ever want to be with the crazy, rule-breaking fiend that plagued his life and made his job ten times harder." She admitted, still remembering the day they'd finally admitted everything.

********  
_She'd been called into his office out of the blue for no reason she could think of and had dragged herself in with great apprehension which only increased when she saw the serious look on his face._

_"What did I do now, Sir?" She asked, wondering if she was in for another chew out and what had brought it on. She'd been on her best behavior recently and had not even attended the Orion/Deltan hosted "party" that had been shut down by security._

_"Amazingly, nothing," he'd said getting right to the point. "This time it's on me. Kirk, I strongly recommend you switch academic advisors."_

_"What??!" She'd exclaimed, feeling hurt and stunned. "You've been listening to gossip again, haven't you? It's all nonsense! You've pushed me to be my absolute best and didn't give me anything I didn't earn. You never let them get to you before. I don't understand, sir."_

_She was totally lost and Pike wasn't looking at her straight on, which was very fishy. At last after some agitated squirming, he leaned forward and spoke again._

_"You're right, I normally don't. However, it's not nonsense this time. I've....Jamie...I need to put a professional distance in place in order to keep some....less professional... feelings from ruining our relationship and getting us both in trouble."_

_She gaped in shock at the admission and he continued rapidly._

_"I won't mention it again because you probably find it horrifying, and understandably so, but It's simply the cold hard truth. Like I said, it's not your problem, it's mine."_

_"I understand Sir, but what if I don't find it horrifying?" She'd ventured, panicked at the thought of never seeing him. Contrary to common belief, she did NOT see him as a surrogate father._

_Pike stared at her like he was looking through her soul, but she held his gaze steadily, feeling her face warm under the scrutiny._

_"In that case," he'd said slowly, one side of his mouth curving up a little, "we'll have another conversation on our own time. In the meantime, go contact Commander Jensen about being your new advisor. She's a very good instructor and eager to test your genius brain."_

_Jamie nodded. "Yes, Sir," she said immediately, almost wilting with relief._  
*******

"That's what made you perfect for each other," Allison reflected, jolting Jamie out of her thoughts.  
"You brought out my brother's much stifled softer side, and he brought out the real you that loves with all she has." Shaking her head, Ally stood up and pulled herself back together. "But, I'm getting sappy now and your guard dog doctor is giving me the death glare."

Jamie looked and sure enough, Bones was standing in the doorway, arms crossed and scowling.

"Oh, Bones. It's okay. I'm not in pain." 

"That's not the point, Jamie," Bones said firmly. "You're exhausted. When Winona comes, I'm gonna have to warm her in advance not to talk yer leg off." 

"Hmm. Protective. I like that. Is he available, by any chance?" Allison said, winking at the doctor. 

"If you like them southern and grumpy, go for it." Jamie grinned wickedly at the flush her words caused on Bones's face. She liked getting a ride out of her best friend and he knew it. 

"Dammit, Woman!!! I'm a doctor, not a lovesick schoolboy!!" 

Both women laughed. 

"You rest up and get better now, Jamboree," Alison said with a final squeeze of Jamie's shoulder. 

"Bye, Ally," Jamie sighed, affecting a glare at the nickname she secretly thought was hilarious.


	4. Nightmares/The first Kiss

Day four post coma, Jamie woke up early from a bone-chilling nightmare that left her gasping and crying out for Chris. She'd seen Khan killing him in slow motion while she was trapped in the Warp core, burning and unable to move. 

"No! Stop!! Chris!!" She screamed, struggling wildly to escape and help him. She had to get to him. Had to stop that phaser from hurting the love of her life.....

A pair of hands settled on her burning cheeks.

"Easy, Jamie, Easy, its only a dream. Come back, Jamie. You're all right. You're safe." 

She jolted awake, gasping and saw Bones standing over her in his white scrubs with a worried look in his eyes. 

Her own eyes were streaming with tears as she relived her husband's death again.

"Bones!" She moaned. "I saw Chris die and I couldn't stop it! Burning up! It's so awful!" 

She gave up and sobbed with fear and grief, her heartbreak pouring out uncontrollably as Bones attempted to comfort her with muttered words and holding her hand, while wiping away her tears. 

When the storm finally passed, she blinked up through her swollen eyelids and saw he looked almost as anguished as she did. 

"It was terrible, Bones. I watched him die all over again." She whispered plaintively, wiping her eyes.

The doctor sighed and held up a straw so she could sip water, which she quickly accepted, having screamed herself hoarse. 

"No wonder you cried so hard. I don't even know what to say, Jamie. I just want to fix it all and I can't."

"You've already done a good job of bringing me back from the dead, Bones," she weakly assured him. "That's going above and beyond, I'd say. Nobody can fix all the damage Khan and Marcus did. I can only imagine the amount of people who've lost love ones and spouses in the attack."

"Yes, well. They ain't my best friend." Bones said ruefully.  
"Now, try to rest easy for a bit before your momma comes. Why don't you tell me about that "other conversation" you and Chris had? I never got the low-down on that." 

Jamie pushed away the dark remnants of the nightmare and her pain to contemplate the first happy memory of them as a couple. As Bones went about her litany of treatments, she opened up and told the tale.

 

********  
It was nearly two weeks before she heard from Pike about the talk they needed to have and she wondered if he'd changed his mind about her when she got a message asking her to meet him at a small park just outside Academy grounds. 

So on the lovely Saturday afternoon, Jamie had garbed herself in her favorite turquoise skinny jeans, gray T-shirt and denim jacket (after changing three times) and made the walk to the scenic area he'd specified.

He was waiting for her by a bench at the edge of the walking trail that led away into the woods. Her heartbeat sped up as she saw him in civvies for the first time in months. 

"Wow. So you do have more than just uniforms in your wardrobe," she'd said cheekily as she joined him, trying to hide how he'd thrown her off balance from the start with the way he rocked the leather and denim. 

"It's hard to believe it, I know," he said dryly, motioning her to sit on the bench beside him. 

Jamie found herself suddenly shy in front of her long time mentor and secret crush. She hadn't even told Bones about the meeting for fear he'd get all suspicious or say something dumb to Pike. 

"Cat got your tongue?" He spoke up at last, trying to sound casual. 

"More like it's been stepped on by the elephant in the room," she admitted, flashing a nervous smile and plucking up her courage. "Let's just say, those less-than-professional feelings as you put it, go both ways. I was far from horrified at your admittance, the complete opposite, in fact. You ever wonder why I suddenly quit my serial dating and carefree ways?" 

"I thought it was good sense finally kicking in," he said with that goofy half grin. "You're telling me I was wrong?" 

"I'm a Kirk, what do you think?" She shot back, looking him full in the eyes at last. 

"Touché." He conceded the point with a smirk and Jamie was getting antsy when he made his move, turning sideways and taking both of her hands in his.

"I'm not sure it's showing good sense to get involved with me, but for once I find myself tempted to throw caution out the window. That day you flounced into my office declaring your utter contempt for all mankind, I knew I was a goner."

Jamie flushed and smiled. She'd been furious with men after the thing with Gary had ended badly and proved him to be a fame whore. Chris had let her rant and rave until she was out of energy then told her he agreed Gary was a complete idiot and offered her a consoling hug, which she'd accepted gratefully.

"You've always been good for me and good to me," she sighed. "I kept quiet about my interest for the same reasons you did, but you must know I do find you VERY attractive, Captain." 

Just saying it made her blush furiously, which aggravated her. She'd never had problems telling people what she thought of them, before.

"C'mon now, Jamie, let me see those beautiful baby blues," he urged, tilting her chin up so she had to look at him again. The grey eyes that were generally sharp and piercing were looking at her with a gentle expression that sent a thrill of delight through her. 

"You're incredibly beautiful, you know that? Everything about you is: your genius level brain, your rule-skirting tendencies, your reckless enthusiasm, your infectious smile. Even when you make me want to tear out my hair, I also wanted to kiss that smirk right off your face." 

"Go ahead, Christopher," She whispered huskily, boldly using his whole name, "I dare you."  
And he did.  
********

"Don't worry, Bones, I won't go into detail, just that it was fabulous." 

Jamie concluded her tale with a dreamy sigh which turned into a yawn. Her friend shook his head in wonder. 

"So that's how you wooed the hard-nosed Captain, huh?" 

"Yep," she said thoughtfully. "Turns out he wasn't so impervious to my charms after all." She looked at her friend earnestly. "I hope you get a chance to have great love, too, Bones. I know I drove him crazy, but I never doubted he loved me and I hope I never gave him reason to doubt I loved him, either." 

"Some of us maybe aren't meant to have that kind of great love, though," Bones said with a pained expression. "I'd rather be following your sorry self around and keeping you alive than getting myself into emotional entanglements again." 

Jamie was touched at his statement, but hoped Bones would be surprised one day. It was clear at least part of Chris's observations were correct in regards to Leonard McCoy being very loyal to her. 

She dozed off again for awhile and awoke to see her mother watching her.

"Hi, honey," Winona said softly, lines of sorrow and worry around her face.

"Hi, Mom," Jamie greeted. "Glad you could make it. I know everything's chaos right now."

"Yes, but I'll let them deal with it," Winona waved her hand towards the window where the rescue and clean up efforts could be seen ongoing in the damaged city.  
"I'm here for you, baby. I would have been here a lot faster if we hadn't been out on the edge of Alpha Quadrant." 

"Did you get briefed on what happened?" Jamie asked, hoping she wouldn't have to repeat it all again.

"Yes," Winona's gaze fell to her daughter's left hand and the ring. "Oh, honey, It killed me when I heard about Chris. Did you see it happen?" 

"No, I was distracted trying to clear the room and return fire. When I got back, he'd taken a shot to the chest and was gone." 

Gone. It was such a final word, but she hated saying "dead" far more. 

Winona squeezed her hand in silent sympathy. She certainly knew what it felt like and Jamie was thankful she'd have her to lean on as she adjusted to life without her beloved Admiral.

"Since we both missed the funeral, do you want to watch it with me? All I have to do is message Spock and he'll send the video to my PADD." 

"Do you think you're ready to see it, Jamie?" Winona asked. "I don't want you to have a physical setback from the surge of emotions."

"It can't be as bad as my dreams," she shrugged. "I'd like to hear what people had to say about him. I'll be okay." 

So in a matter of minutes, Spock had sent the tape and they were watching a hugely attended funeral filled with top brass and dignitaries from many species. Once the formal speeches praising his astounding career and character were finished, several people shared personal anecdotes and memories that had Jamie sniffling and smiling because these people actually knew her husband and really understood what he was all about. 

"Good ole Number One," Winona murmured as Pike's former first officer talked about him staring down hostile Romulans while battling Rigellian flu. 

"He always was a stubborn mule," she said. "Kind of like someone else I know." She winked at Jamie, who didn't try to deny it. 

"If I'd been there I would have told them how he pulled my phaser from the holster and shot two Romulans who'd crept up behind me--while he had that slug in him and was paralyzed," Jamie mused. "It was incredible how FIERCE Chris was when he got riled up." 

She fell silent as the camera focused on the casket, stomach clenching at the cold hard reality in the shiny brown wood box. 

Admiral Barnett concluded the service with another heartfelt tribute to his colleague and friend. 

"I've never met an officer more suited to Command than Chris Pike. He embodied all the qualities of an ideal Captain: leadership, courage, and selflessness as well as diplomacy and compassion. He knew how to push to get the best out of his crew without them even realizing it. But he was more than just a great Captain and later, Admiral, he was a great friend."

He proceeded to talk about Chris and his friendship that dated back to the Yorktown years and Winona smiled and nodded at several points as she remembered many of the events Barnett referred to. Jamie was thinking about family parties at the ranch in Mojave when her attention was grabbed by the next statement.

"There were only three things that could cause Chris to get riled up: One, mess with his crew. Bad Idea. Two, mess with his family. Even worse. Three, cast aspersions on his marriage, which was grounds for being disowned completely." 

Jamie knew all about that. Chris had frozen out quite a few media and ignorant "fans" who talked smack about their relationship and it was glorious. She'd mildly protested that he didn't need to do it, she didn't care what they said, but she knew it would be hypocritical to stop him. After all, she'd put an ensign on long term gamma shift for insulting him in her hearing and another had spent the night in the brig after using the term "sugar daddy." 

"In summary," Richard continued, "the world lost a very high quality man and we will honor his memory by returning Starfleet to the organization he believed in and prioritizing the loved ones in our lives. Rest In Peace, Admiral." 

He saluted and shortly after the service ended. Jamie realized with a shock she didn't even know where her husband been buried and made a mental note to find out immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! This was tough, but I've got plans for plenty more!!


	5. Therapy

Much to Jamie's relief, her dreams weren't nearly so horrible most nights and she was able to sleep mostly uninterrupted.  
Day six, Bones pronounced her fit to begin Physical Therapy on her atrophied muscles. This was good news to the young captain, who was getting restless at being bedridden and needed something to take her mind off of the tragedy around her, if even for a moment. Winona Kirk was glad to see the improvements her daughter was making and thanked Bones profusely for his hard work. 

Bones had merely shaken his head. "It least I could do for her after she saved us all. Where would we be without her reckless genius driving us all crazy?"

But one day Winona happened to observe him talking quietly to her while giving her her treatments and noticed the way he hung on every word she said and periodically, a certain expression lit his face every so often that showed he clearly had more than just a friendly feeling for her. Winona was transfixed for a moment, but not as surprised as she could have been. It explained why Leonard had worked so fiendishly to bring her back and hovered so much as she was recovering. He seemed to be good at keeping his feelings under wraps, though, and she didn't see the need to confront him about it. She wondered how far back it went, though, and if Chris had guessed it. Little did she know, her daughter was well aware and didn't know what to do with the knowledge. 

Jamie was tired but hopeful after her first PT session with the Andorian therapist, but as they progressed and grew harder, she began to understand Chris's intense dislike of it.

 

**********  
Newly promoted to Captain, Jamie was run ragged for weeks after they returned to earth after the fight with Nero. Between briefings, interrogations, and captaincy responsibilities, she hadn't seen her favorite captain for more than ten minutes at a time since the day after the Enterprise came home. Being highly concerned over how depressed he'd sounded in the last message he'd sent, she decided it was high time for a long visit. 

When she arrived, he was swearing colorfully at his weakened legs and glaring ferociously at the poor nurse helping him back into bed.  
Oh, dear. He was having a bad day.  
It was hard for him to not only lose the ship he'd waited for so long, but also a good deal of independence. 

"Hey, now, is that any way to treat an innocent nurse?" She said quickly, standing in the doorway. 

He looked up wearily and sent the relieved nurse away. 

"I know. Not nice of me," he sighed, reaching for her hand as she came close. "It's been..... bad today and I hate feeling helpless."  
He clenched his fist in frustration. There was no telling how much mobility he'd get back, but Jamie was certain he'd walk again, if it was the last thing he did. 

"I really should have come sooner, Chris," she sighed, sitting down beside him. "Everybody wants a piece of me now. It's crazy. Plus, This captain stuff is HARD." 

For a second, she thought Chris was going to blow up at her, but he took a few deep breaths and grabbed her hand with a shaky smile. 

"It is hard," he agreed, "and if we hadn't lost so many officers, you'd have time to learn and advance like a normal cadet. I don't think I've had the chance to tell you how proud I am of you. Saving the earth's no mean feat." 

She smiled weakly and leaned closer. 

"I wish I could have saved Vulcan," she whispered. "So many people gone. Two-thirds of my class is dead. Honestly, It feels more bitter than sweet right now. Please don't shut me out now. I need you more than ever.

He pulled her head over to rest on his shoulder, stroking the light brown hair gently.

"I'm with you, Jamie. I lie awake wondering what I could have done to prevent that tragedy and it makes me crazy, especially knowing Nero almost destroyed earth with the codes he got out of me. But I'm not planning on going anywhere even if I could because I love you and I need you too, beautiful. See how cranky I get while you're away?"

"Yep," she confirmed with a sad grin. "I'm here to nip that in the bud." 

Tentatively, she turned her face toward him and kissed him. He responded back with a wealth of pent up emotion and it was long and slow and tender, with a One of their best kisses ever, she thought later.  
**********

Jamie collapsed into her wheelchair gasping from exertion and fatigue after walking thirteen steps towards it without holding on to the railings. Her therapist appeared extremely pleased with her efforts and she admitted to being very surprised at herself getting that far already. 

Khan's blood must really have been thorough at restoring her functions. She still didn't know how to feel about the man who'd killed Chris being used to save her life. It felt so wrong, so twisted when she thought about it.

But she'd never want to hurt Bones by voicing these thoughts. Goodness knows, if it had been possible she would have done the same to save Chris. Love could drive a person to desperate measures.....

There was that pain again when she thought of him. One of the things she'd loved about Chris was his ability to leave the Admiral at the office and just be hers when they were at home. Some days were giant grumblefests about paperwork the aggravations of particular first officers and they ended up laughing at their petty woes and then cuddling. 

"You're making great progress, Captain!" The therapist cheered, interrupting her thoughts. "If this keeps up, they'll probably be able to release you next week!"

Jamie smiled weakly at the woman.  
Would she ever be ready to face the apartment and its memories on her own?


	6. Back at Home/Wedding memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so long. My muse got carried away.

Jamie stood at the door to her room, preparing to finally leave the hospital after a long five weeks. She felt almost normal again, though still a shell of her former self and was eager to get outside at last. Winona and Ally were helping get her meager belongings ready and make sure she had the required hypos in her bag. Bones had told her she had to take one every morning and evening until her system was stronger.

"All ready to go, honey?" Winona asked, zipping Jamie's duffle up. "Spock's parked by the door, so we can make a quick getaway."

"Yep. I am so sick of this place." She declared. "Ready to be home!" Well, she thought she was, anyway. Winona had warned her the memories would be overpowering at first and recommended she stay with a friend for a time, but Jamie decided to face it head on. 

"Don't overdo it now," Bones warned her. "If you have ANY problems, comm me right away. I'll be checking on you frequently to make sure you're you're obeying the restrictions." 

"Yes, Doctor McCoy" she sighed with an aggravated eye roll. He was really annoying with the protective doctor mode. It was perfectly understandable, but she wanted her best friend back and the sooner she was out of this place, the sooner that could happen.

She was smuggled out the door and into Spock's car with little fuss. Uhura was there to keep reporters at bay and she soon joined them in the vehicle just before it made its getaway.

Staring out at the damaged city, she was grateful she even had a home to go back to. Thousands of people had been killed or displaced when their buildings had collapsed when the Vengeance crashed into them. 

She'd talked to several nurses who'd lost loved ones in the attacks and found an empathy there as they tended to be more peen with someone who understood what they were dealing with. 

In her low moments, Jamie resented the fact that she COULD understand them. 

She'd grown up watching her mother grieve a man she'd never known and she'd felt guilty that she'd never really know what she was missing.

Now, though, she knew exactly what and who she'd be missing for the rest of her life and it hurt like a razor blade in her chest. 

"I should've punched Khan harder," she muttered.

Spock, miraculously, did not say anything. Maybe he'd learned there were times to keep his logic to himself in the aftermath of the tragedy. 

Nyota gave a her an understanding look.

"I wanted to do the same thing," she admitted to Jamie. "I may understand why he did what he did, but he killed part of our family and hurt our captain." 

"I heard you got to shoot him with a phaser," Jamie commented, feeling warmer at the loyalty of her space family. "Must have been awesome."

"It was" the lieutenant confirmed. "I think Spock thought it was hot. You should have seen the wild, feral look he shot me right before he knocked Khan out. Whoa, boy!" 

She pretended to fan herself, bringing a pleased smile to Jamie's face.

"I was not in control of myself," Spock explained. "But I admit it was very satisfying to see Nyota coming to my aid."

"I bet it was," Jamie smirked.

Spock pulled up and parked in front of the apartment building that housed many Starfleet officers including himself and Nyota and where Jamie and Chris called home for the last ten months. It was well over 100 stories and gleaned in the Sunshine. Jamie soaked in the warm rays for a most moment before fumbling for her key card.

"I've got it, honey," Winona said, coming alongside her as she neared the lobby doors. 

"What floor are you on?" 

"Sixteen," Jamie replied absently, looking around at the familiar leather furniture and steel and glass features of the lobby she'd walked through countless times.

The trip in the elevator was quiet as she thought about the many stolen kisses and goofy moments they'd shared on their way home after she'd returned from a mission. 

Jamie walked purposely down the hall and swiped her card and placed her thumb on the pad that scanned her print and let them in. 

It looked the same as when Jamie and Chris had left to go to the Daystrom meeting: neat and tidy. Chris couldn't stand to leave the place messy, being a bit of a neat freak. 

"Wow, nice place. Chris always had to have everything ship-shape," commented Ally, looking around at their eclectic decor, which included both western art and Jamie's collection of various spaceship models. Even the little kitchen area was clean, amazingly. 

The bedroom though, was what cracked Jamie's composure. The smell of his cologne, the wedding picture over the bed, her pink cami laying on the floor where it had been unceremoniously removed that last night......

She opened the closet and saw all his shirts hanging there and that was all it took to bring the tears up.

"Chris...." she gasped, eyes filling up. She felt her husband's loss all over again, seeing all his things hanging there like he'd be back any minute. 

Winona was by her side in an instant, arms pulling her in close as she cried. Tears were rolling down Ally's cheeks as well and she sat down on the bed behind them. 

"It feels so final now, Mom," she sniffled between sobs. "Before, I kind of mentally separated myself from it. How am I going to do this?" 

"Not alone, that's for certain," Winona whispered. "If you don't want to stay elsewhere, one of us will stay with you."

"Right," Allison agreed firmly. "Crying alone is overrated. Let it all out, Jimbo." 

She did, even more than she ever had at the hospital until she was spent and exhausted. Somewhere along the line, She was helped into bed and her shoes removed and vaguely heard Bones's voice over her as gentle hands soothed her hot forehead. 

When she woke up again, it was dark out, and she was alone, except for quiet voices coming from the living area. 

Pulling herself out of the nest of covers, she groggily stumbled to the bathroom to wash her face. Someone had been cleaning up, because most of Chris's things were gathered in a box by the door. 

It was a small space, so Jamie knew it wouldn't make any sense to keep unused toiletries around. A few unfamiliar and decidedly female accessories had replaced them and she assumed they were her mother's. 

Having made herself somewhat presentable, she ambled into the kitchen to find food for her growling stomach. 

Something smelled good and she saw Winona and Allison sitting at the table eating soup and looking through a photo album. 

"Hey, what's for dinner?" She rasped out. "No fair starting without me." 

"Welcome back, Sleeping Beauty," Ally said, greeting her sister-in-Law cheerfully. "And no need to gripe. We only just started. Plenty of soup left for you. It's broccoli cheese, from the deli down the way." 

Jamie'd stomach growled loudly again, causing them all to crack up laughing while she dished herself up a generous bowl of cheesy deliciousness. It was warm and creamy and pure comfort food, which was just what she needed. 

"What were you guys looking at?" She said after she'd licked the bowl clean in a scandalously ill-mannered way. 

"Just peeking at the pics from your surprise wedding. I still can't believe you pulled that over on us." 

Allison was still a little irritated that she hadn't figured out her brother's plans until the two of them were holding each other's hands in front of Admiral Barnett. It had been the surprise of the year, according to the papers and most of Starfleet buzzed with speculation as to how the well known couple had pulled it off. 

Jamie shrugged. "You did say we were evenly matched evil geniuses." A faint smirk threatened as she remembered their massive trickery. 

**********  
They'd planned what was ostensibly a big birthday party for Chris, inviting fifty of their closest family and friends to the ranch for a celebratory cook out. Only Jamie's mom, Chris's dad, and Richard Barnett were aware of the true purpose of the event. 

It was the only way they could think of, short of eloping, to get married without it getting turned into a PR show or media feeding frenzy. 

"Appealing as eloping sounds, I can't make Winona miss her only daughter's wedding," he'd said one night on one of their dates. 

"Me neither," Jamie had agreed fervently. "Besides, won't it be great to see their faces when they realize what's happening?"

"You know it," he smirked. 

The plan went off perfectly. Halfway through the afternoon while everyone was mingling and looking satisfied, Jamie and Chris slipped into the house a few minutes apart to change.

Her heart was pounding with excitement and nerves as she redid her makeup and slipped into the baby blue chiffon dress she'd picked out. 

She hoped Bones, Spock, and Uhura would forgive her for keeping this a secret, but she thought they'd understand once she explained. Winona had been in earlier and laid out her accessories, including a dainty flower crown to bedeck Jamie's flowing blonde locks and the pearl set Winona herself had worn for her own wedding. 

Then she put on white flats and breathed in and out deeply before emerging onto the patio as casually as possible. 

Eyebrows were raised, but no one grasped what was happening until the Admirals and the parents joined her on the deck and Richard got their attention with a sharp whistle. 

"Not nearly as good as yours!" She whispered to Chris, who was known for his ear-piercing volume.  
Heaven help the poor cadet or junior officer who happened to merit the Pike Train Blast, as it was called.

Chris gave her the side eye, which made her clap her free hand to her mouth to keep from giggling. 

"You may all be thinking "I came here for a barbecue, not a wedding," Barnett was saying. "Well, you're getting both. Jamie and Chris hope you'll forgive them for doing it this way, but it seemed the best scenario to keep the media out other than eloping. Things like this get tricky when two Federation heroes tie the knot. It's been a long time coming, but I am thrilled to FINALLY ensure the end of Chris's long bachelorhood." 

There were titters and sounds of agreement from the guests who knew the groom quite well.

"So if you two are ready, you can face each other now for the vows." 

Jamie put her hands in his and adoring ocean blue eyes locked with tender grey blue as the two of them made their solemn promises. 

In minutes, they'd slid each other's wedding bands on and were officially husband and wife. The whoops, whistles, and cheers that followed their first kiss were unforgettable and Jamie opened her eyes to smile at her new husband. 

"You sly, sly, woman," he said in her ear. "You know what it does to me when you wear that color." 

"That's exactly right," she responded smugly. "And YOU know I like you in gray. Brings out your eyes." She ran her hand down the front of his light gray suit, extremely grateful he was able to be back on his feet.

He didn't have time to respond since they were quickly swarmed by excited guests, eager to scold and squeal. 

Nyota went easy on her, having understood the reason for secrecy. 

"You rascal!" She said as she hugged her captain tightly. "I never suspected a thing until you came out all dressed up. That was brilliant scheming, you two, even if I am a little annoyed with you right now." 

Spock was next.  
"Congratulations, Admiral, Captain. Your ruse was well executed and admirably planned." 

Bones, on the other hand hung back until last, his face a study in various degrees of agitated emotion. 

"I can't believe you had the gall to do this and not tell me, sir." He said tightly, forcing a smile as he shook hands with Chris. "Not that I'm not happy for you, but this is a pretty big thing to hide from your best friend." He looked at the bride pointedly. 

"I probably should have let you on in it, Bones," Jamie admitted "and I hope you'll forgive me, because I'm sorry if I hurt you. Literally, only three people in the world knew."

"Wow. That's tight-lipped, especially for you, Jamie," her friend said, a teasing glint returning to his face.

"Yep, well. I've got GREAT incentive to keep my lips sealed," Jamie said suggestively, winking outrageously at Chris. 

"Dammit, Jamie!" He groaned and then turned to Chris again. "Good luck, Admiral. You'll need it being married to this troublemaker."

Chris merely smiled lovingly at Jamie. 

"I'm partial to trouble, McCoy. It comes in such an irresistible package." 

Jamie batted her eyelashes at him and thought flirting with her husband was going to be quite enjoyable.  
*********

Looking back on the pictures with Winona and Ally, Jamie was crying again--but not the gut-wrenching sobs from earlier. These were cleansing bittersweet tears that came from her grief at what she'd lost and the thankfulness that she'd had such wonderful moments with the man who'd turned her whole life around with one sharp whistle.

"You can whistle really loud, you know that?"


	7. Visit to the Grave

As Jamie gave herself the morning hypo the next day, she realized that this was ironically the date that would have been their eleven month anniversary. Jamie determined that she'd visit the grave today, Bones be darned and maybe go through some of Chris's things with Ally. Luckily, her doctor friend did not forbid the trip, only warned her to have someone with her. 

"I'm thankful Bones is too much otherwise occupied to smother me all the time," she declared to Ally. "I can't lay around being an invalid anymore and unfortunately, other people need him far more. It's going to be years before this city recovers." 

She looked sadly at the plies of debris being slowly carted away as clean up began.

"Damn Marcus and Khan," Ally agreed bluntly. "At least two other Admirals are facing court martial for being involved in the Section 31 crimes and four were killed, not counting that scum bag Marcus, so the Admiralty is stretched thin right now."

Jamie winced. "What about Captains?" 

"Three died in Daystrom, another one in the crash landing on the city."

"I'm guessing the experienced ones are getting promoted to fill the gaps in the Admiralty," Jamie speculated. "Captain Li would make a wonderful admiral if they can pry her away from the USS Shepherd." 

"Here we are, Jamboree," Ally said, directing her to the row of headstones where several new graves could be seen, marked by the heaped up dirt: Another reminder of the many families who were grieving. 

"So many," she whispered as they walked past heap after heap. A woman and two young children stood in front of a headstone, heads bowed, all in black and her heart clenched at the sight.

Ally stopped her four stones down and softly said "Here he is." 

Chris's headstone was sleek and simple: polished black stone etched with his rank, name, and dates.

"It's just perfect." Jamie murmured, leaning into her sister-in-law. 

"I thought so, too. They wanted to do something more grandiose, but Pops and I nixed that. It wasn't who Chris was."

That was very true, Jamie mused. She knelt and ran her fingers over the letters carved in the cold stone. Chris was all about the simplicity, all right. He barely tolerated most of the fuss that came with being an admiral and would have been content with being a captain until the day he retired, if that had been possible. 

"Speaking of Pops, how is he doing? It's got to be rough for him."

She referred to her elderly father-in-law, who couldn't travel much because of his health, but treated her like she was his own daughter and insisted she use the same title his children did. 

"He's hurting, but as ornery as ever and always asking about you. I told him I'd bring you out for a visit when you were cleared to travel." 

"Good plan," Jamie agreed, placing her little wildflower bouquet on the grave. "Colorado is so beautiful, but we'd better do it soon, before I'm cleared for full duty and swamped with overseeing the refit." 

To think, she'd once bounced around Spock in giddy glee at the prospect of a five year mission. Now, she was questioning everything about Starfleet and her own desire to exploring space. But she didn't tell Ally that. 

"Happy Almost anniversary, hot stuff," she murmured. "I'm kind of annoyed you won't be around for it, but you'll be relieved to know I'm going to be okay. Lucky you, you don't have to deal with paperwork anymore. Try not to have too much fun without me, Okay?"

Allison squeezed her tighter and added her own comments. 

"Yeah. Behave yourself, Chris. Say hi to Mom for me." 

As they turned away a soft voice called her.

"Captain Kirk?" It was the woman at the nearby grave. She was holding the hands of her two young children and looking at Jamie hopefully. 

"I'm sorry to bother you, but my Amy here wants to say hi. You're one of her heroes. 

Jamie smiled at the serious little girl, whose brown head was covered in little black braids and was looking up at her in awe.

"Hi there, sweetie." Jamie greeted her. "Do you like starships, too?" 

"Yeah," Amy replied. "My daddy flew one and I heard all about how you and the Enterprise saved earth. I thought you got killed by the bad man who killed my daddy." 

"No, I wasn't," Jamie assured her, "but I've been in the hospital a lot because I got hurt when the bad man attacked my ship."

Amy's eyes widened. "Oh, no! Did he shoot it down?"

"No, I fixed it in time, but it hurt me a lot."

That was an understatement, all right. Jamie had died in severe pain, both physical and emotional and there was a long road ahead of her, as there would be for this family who'd lost a husband and father.

"I'm sorry for your loss," she told the woman sincerely. Their eyes met and a look of understanding past between them as she saw where Jamie had been standing.

"Thank you, dear. And I'm very sorry for YOUR loss. Frank spoke very highly of your husband." 

Frank? The name was familiar. Oh, It must have been the Frank Abbott, captain of the Bradbury, to whom Spock was supposed to report for his new duties after her demotion. She hadn't seen him go down and assumed he'd escaped. How awful for these sweet people.

"When I grow up, I'm going to find that creep and take him out!!" Said the previously quiet boy, balling his hands into fists.

"You won't need to do that. I promise you the murderer was caught and won't be able to hurt anyone again," Jamie assured him.

"I suppose it's classified, right?" The boy asked shrewdly. 

"You're right," she confirmed with a rueful smile. "They're still working on figuring out why things happened and how to prevent them from happening again." 

"It won't bring them back," he said bitterly, face twisting to hide his grief. 

"No it won't," Jamie said gently. "But you can make him proud by growing up to make your own difference in this world. I grew up without my dad, too and I wasted way too much time trying to live up to him, which isn't what he would have wanted. So you do what you're good at, and love the family you have while you have them."

"That was wonderfully said, Jamie," Allison told her when they'd said goodbye to the Abbotts and made their way back to the path that led out of the cemetery. 

"Comes from years of painful experience," Jamie admitted. "If I can help them avoid being a "genius-level repeat offender" I will."

"Hmmm. Good advice. But what a way to meet one's future spouse," Allison said, her grey eyes teasing. 

"Oh, yes. Imagine if we'd had children and they asked how I met their father. I'd be like, "Well, son, I got drunk in a bar and picked a fight with some huge dudes and was being pummeled to a pulp when this sharp looking man comes in, oozing authority, and breaks it up and then starts giving me a recruiting spiel for Starfleet and talking about my dad and daring me to do better. I was so tipsy and stunned by how well he read me, I could hardly say a word. When he left, I thought if that's how they grow 'em in Starfleet, maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all. So I joined and the rest is history.""

"That's not quite how he told it," Ally said with a chuckle. "He saw a brilliant woman who needed a purpose to fulfill her own potential, not her father's. The fact that you also happened to be gorgeous, well, didn't have ANYTHING to do with it." She winked.

"Whatever," Jamie sighed. She did turn a little pink, though, because To this day, she was afraid in her drunken rambling, she'd told him he had a nice butt on the way out the door.

 

*********  
"Do you really like being a genius level repeat offender?" 

"Maybe I love it." 

"Your father was Starship captain for twelve minutes. He saved 800 lives. I dare you to do better."  
***********

"Did I really do better, Chris?" She whispered into the dark that night. "I see all this destruction and all the graves, and right now, I just don't know."


	8. Cleared for Duty/The Bar Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long chapter:) This fic is really flowing for me.

Jamie and Allison were able to get away for a weekend trip to Colorado the following week. It was an emotional visit, but good for all three of them. Pops welcomed them with open arms and was very worried upon seeing how thin Jamie was and it took much explaining of what she was recovering from before he stopped fearing she was dying of a broken heart. "And I know my boy wouldn't want that, no sirree." 

He told her the same old stories of Chris's youth she'd heard before (but never tired of) and Jamie was reminded where her husband got his deadpan humor from. 

Soon after she returned, Ally and Winona had to go back to there ships and Jamie herself was ready to go back to duty and dragged out her new gray dress uniform in preparation. (The old one had to be replaced due to its bloodstained condition.) She ignored the churning of her stomach as she remembered what happened the last time she'd worn the grays.

Thus attired, she went first to Bones to be officially cleared. "Here I am Bones." She said cheerily to her good friend. "Back to work at last." 

"Not so fast, hotshot. I've got to clear you first." Bones began his examination, questioning her thoroughly while going over her with a fine toothed comb-- er, tricorder. 

"You've been following my instructions for once. I never thought I'd see the day," he exclaimed, looking almost pleased. 

Jamie looked as innocent as she could. 

"Come on, Bones, that's stretching it a bit. I don't ALWAYS blow you off."

He gave her a look very familiar to her: the eyebrow raise that said "yeah, right." 

A few minutes later, his approval was sent to the higher ups and Jamie was on her way to Admiral Barnett's new office for a meeting with the new head of Starfleet.

Many of the buildings were covered with tarps, and scaffolding, especially the heavily damaged Daystrom building which was surrounded by a force field to keep staff out. 

She waited tensely to be admitted to the spacious office which was where Marcus had convinced the still in shock widow to hunt down her husband's killer and she'd agreed all too readily in her compromised state. 

When she went in, though, she found it had seen plenty of remodeling and barely resembled the airy room Marcus had used. 

"Welcome back, Captain Kirk!! It's good to see you back on your feet again," greeted the Admiral, rising out of his hair to shake her hand.

"Thank you, sir. I'm glad to be here. I've been going stir crazy with nothing to do." 

Sure, she'd been cleaning out closets and packing up Chris's stuff, but that was mostly finished and it was good to busy her mind with other things now.

"I imagine so. Well, Captain, you'll have plenty to do for the next five years. The Enterprise has been selected for the five-year exploration mission. Of course, she needs some more work done to get her space worthy, but when she goes, we want you in that chair. Do you accept?"

Jamie didn't feel the surge of triumph she had imagined when given this honor, but a quiet sense of relief and gratitude. Suddenly, the drifting pieces inside began to fall into place and she felt sure about it at last. 

"Yes, Admiral, I do," she said confidently. 

"Excellent!!" Barnett said warmly. "It might be another eight months or so, but we wanted you to have plenty of time to pick your crew. I know you'll make the Federation proud." 

"Thank you, sir," Jamie said quietly. "And I also wanted to thank you for the kind words at the funeral. I saw the recording and it was a wonderful tribute to Chris."

Barnett's face softened. 

"You're welcome, Kirk. I can tell you that's one of the hardest things I've ever done. He was one of the best friends I had in the Fleet and one of the best men I knew, period. But I'm sure I don't need to tell you that."

Jamie nodded proudly. "I'd be dead or in jail right now if he hadn't come along when he did and convinced me I was made for more." 

"You've certainly lived up to his confidence in you."

"Not always," Jamie said with a pained expression, thinking of the Nibiru dilemma that resulted in her demotion.

"And you've clearly learned from that experience," the Admiral noted shrewdly. I actually offered to do the dressing down thinking it would be awkward given your relationship, but Chris insisted. After you left, he locked himself in and refused to talk to anyone. That had me more uneasy than the rule-breaking. Starfleet marriages are challenging, especially when it's with your direct superior. Forgive me if this is too intrusive, but did you have a chance to talk as husband and wife?" 

"Yeah, we did, and I'm very thankful," said Jamie and proceeded to relate the story of what happened post chew out.

**********  
Jamie'd left Headquarters in a state of hurt and anger: anger at Spock for telling all and failing to understand why she'd saved him, anger at the admiral for taking away her ship, and anger at herself for being too darn arrogant.

She went home and she'd her uniform as fast as she could, changing into comfortable clothes and escaping the apartment long before Chris was due home, not in any mood to deal with him in admiral mode. She left a brief note and went to a favorite bar, one that many Starfleet officers frequented and was somewhat more classy than most of its ilk. 

As she sat sullenly at the bar, nursing a drink and a pity party, a dark haired guy a couple stools down tried to strike up a conversation.

"Trouble in paradise?" He asked genially, nodding at the ring on her hand. 

"You might say that," she hedged coolly, careful not to look inviting in the slightest. Conflict or not, she was most definitely taken and still hoping Chris would come find her.

"Ugh. Marriage." The man replied with a shudder. "Don't know why anybody does it. Hope you figure it out, though." 

"So do I," she said with a bleak smile and turned back to her very fruity drink that she'd bought partly because she wanted it and partly because Chris hated them. 

She took a nice sip and daintily licked her lips, relishing the flavor on her tongue. 

"I don't know how you can tolerate that crap," said her husband, sliding silently onto the stool beside her.

Jamie didn't look over, dreading seeing that look of frustrated disappointment in his eyes. It haunted her to know she'd disappointed him, much as she felt she'd been right in saving Spock's life.

"It's because my tastebuds haven't been destroyed and pickled with whiskey," she shot back, taking a long sip from the martini glass and smacking her lips in an irritatingly self-satisfied way. 

"I seem to remember our meeting in a place like this," Chris said conversationally. "You were getting your butt kicked."

"I was not!" She protested. 

"You were flopped over a table with blood gushing out of your nose." He reminded her.

"Okay, so I wasn't unscathed. But I gave as good as I got! Cupcake still avoids me after I cost him one of his front teeth." 

A low chuckle came from Chris and she dared to look over at him, relaxing when she saw his amused smile replacing the former tension.

"What's going to happen to the Enterprise, Chris?" She asked anxiously after a minute of awkward silence. "They'd better give her to someone who appreciates her." 

Another enigmatic expression crossed his face.

"No worries about that. They gave her back to me."

Jamie's mouth hung open. Well, that was a twist. 

"That's great, Chris," she said at last, mustering a supportive smile.  
"But if we're separated......" she couldn't finish the sentence as a lump had choked her. 

"That's not going to happen, Jamie," he said. "Regulations say married couples can't be separated without their consent and I'm not giving consent. Besides, I want you for first officer." 

Jamie nearly choked on her drink. 

"Really?" she spluttered. "I thought you were mad at me. I thought I'd destroyed your trust." 

"Look at me, honey," he said earnestly, grabbing her hand and holding it tightly. She obeyed and was was once again captivated by those intense eyes. Evidently he was in husband mode now and that was very comforting.

"You had to learn that such serious rule bending actions do have consequences, even if the motivations were good, but every young captain does. I believe in you, Jamie, and you've got a fantastic future ahead of you. Trust me, I hated having to say what I did this afternoon."

"Then, can we go home and not talk about work for a while?" She asked hopefully. "I need to know we're still okay, despite my problems with rules." 

"Of course," he said, reaching out a hand to caress her cheek. "It's going to be okay, sweetheart." She leaned into the touch and tentatively smiled as the last of the uncertainty left her.

"Then let's get out of here," she said, rising from her stool. "We've got better things to do. You know what they say about making up.."

With a saucy wink, and a certain naughty smile, that had its intended effect, she let him pull her out of the bar, shooting a thumbs up at the stranger who gave an approving grin. 

**********  
Of course, she didn't give all these details to Barnett, but yes, Jamie and Chris had managed to have some quality time together before everything turned into a nightmare. 

"So, I'm always going to be glad I didn't let my hurt pride shut him out. I shudder just thinking about the possibility that he would've died while I was still mad. Being with Chris was the best two years and ten months of my life. He made me a better person." 

Admiral Barnett nodded knowingly.

"It worked the other way, too, you know," he said with humor in his eyes. "Chris was a lot less mean and ornery when he had someone to go home to. All his aides were extremely thankful for you softening the man up." 

Jamie laughed in spite of herself. Oh, she knew all about that. When it came to being stubborn and temperamental, the two of them were champs. 

"It's been good talking to you, Admiral," she said at last, "but I do believe I have a ship to inspect."

"That you do, Captain, and I won't keep you from her. Happy tinkering. Dismissed, captain."

She saluted him and left the office, eager to check on her silver lady. It was wonderful to be back at work again.


	9. Back on Board

When Jamie's presence was recognized at the shipyard around the Enterprise, a collective cheer went up from crew and workers alike, warming her heart and bringing a proud smile to her face. Emerging from the construction area, Scotty came hurrying towards her, round face beaming with delight. 

"Captain! 'Tis a pleasure to see you well again! I've got oodles of reports for you, if you care to look You'll find that the Enterprise is on schedule with repairs, despite appearances." 

He waved a hand toward the ship, which still had quite a few large holes in its hull. She could see sparks flying as welders worked to join new sections of plating. 

"She's looking better already, Scotty. Refit's going well, I take it?"

"Very well, Captain. I've implemented new safety measures around the core to prevent what happened from ever occurring again." He looked at her rather pointedly. 

"Good thinking, Scotty. I don't wish that on anyone else, either." Jamie said frankly. 

"Which is why ye did it in the first place, right?" 

"Right. But I have good news, Scotty. We're officially assigned to the five year mission and I want your help picking the best engineers to work under you in my crew." 

Scotty's smile covered his whole face and looked like he could have danced a jig in triumph. 

"Oh my stars! That's....that's our dream come true!! Wait till I tell the wee man!! Keenser!!" He bellowed. 

The Roylan grunted and shuffled over to his boss, looking up inquiringly. 

"I'm going on the five-year mission, Keenser," Jamie said to the sturdy green fellow. "Wanna come along?" 

"Kirk. Always follow Kirk," Keenser said, shaking her hand. It was settled. Keenser had an intense loyalty to George Kirk, who'd befriended and recruited him, and it clearly extended to Jamie Kirk. 

"That's fantastic," Jamie grinned. "Now, for the grand tour. Time for some inspection." 

So she followed Scotty all over the ship wherever they could go, seeing and hearing progress reports on repairs and upgrades. 

When they arrived in engineering, he was very reluctant to let her near the core.

"I know it's turned off and everything, but I get cold chills just standing near the reactor door," Scotty confessed, scuffing his foot on the floor sheepishly. "I keep seeing you, lying there dying and I can't do anything to stop it."

Jamie swallowed hard. She'd walked into hell on purpose and the consequences hadn't been pretty, but they'd been worth it. 

All she could remember, really, was a mess of jumbled thoughts, pain, sorrow, and Spock's eyes staring sadly at her. 

Then she'd slipped away and had that little moment in The Afterlife with Chris, but she'd never tell anyone but Bones about that.  
They'd probably try to tell her it was all a delusion and she knew it wasn't because she still felt his words in her soul.

"Never forget I love you."  
"I'm so proud of you, sweetheart." 

She'd treasured those moments everyday since she'd been awake and they'd kept her going as she cleared out his half of the closet and dealt with the lawyers about the will and handled the questions from the Admiralty. 

"Captain?" Scotty asked, interrupting her reverie. 

"Oh, sorry, Scotty. I got lost in thought there. I actually can't remember much of that, thankfully. Going near Daystrom has been the trigger for me instead. I'm glad it's still inaccessible."

Scotty's eyes shone bright with sympathy.

"Aye, lassie, no wonder, with losing your husband there. That was terribly sad about the good Admiral, but if he were here, I think he'd be glad to see you back in the chair." 

"Thanks, Scotty," Jamie said. "But I hope I'll be a much better captain than I was. You all deserve it. Now, lead on to the new core." 

And amazingly, he did. It looked better than ever and was more powerful and Scotty bragged shamelessly about his baby. They geeked out together for nearly an hour, then Jamie went to the bridge to hang out. She made herself at home in her chair and watched the bustling activity with something near happiness.

"Figures I'd find you here," said a gruff voice behind her. She spun around in her chair to see Bones looking at her. 

"Where else would I be, Bones?" She asked her friend. 

"Hopefully not tryin' to help. I wouldn't put it past you to turn grease monkey if Scotty asked."

She giggled at his tone of disdain.

"Not just yet, unfortunately. I think you threatened him enough to keep him from letting me really do anything but look. I know how you work, Bones." 

"And I know how YOU work, Jamie. You'll find any loophole to get out of restrictions." 

"Changing the parameters is my speciality," she smirked. "And yours. Which is why I'm even alive."

"I'd like to keep it that way," he declared. Then in a softer tone, "I've missed getting to talk to you as friend, Jamie. You think we can find a crack in the schedule to hang out?" 

"I can always find time for you, Bones," she said softly. "You've been worked to death with all the casualties and it's about time we relaxed. I'm also hoping you'll be my CMO again when we go on the five year mission." 

"Of course Ill go, kid," Bones said warmly. "Who else is going to keep you from using up your other eight lives?" 

Jamie stared at him in disbelief. "You just compared me to a cat, Bones?" 

"Course. You're whiny as heck, stubborn as a mule, hate checkups, fight like a tiger and go through weird unsociable spells."

At this apt description, Jamie roared with laughter in a way she hadn't done since Chris died and it felt so good. 

Bones himself looked astonished and then happy to see her crack up. He crossed his arms with a smug look and waited for it to subside. 

"Oh, Bones," she said fondly, when she'd caught her breath. "I've missed you. There's no way I'll make it without you to keep me human. You and Chris always knew just what to say when I'm feeling the weight of captaincy. I'm going to need you even more now that he's gone." 

She got up from the chair and let Bones wrap her in a gentle hug.

"You'll be amazing, Jamie," he said a little gruff with emotion. "He knew that and I sure know it. I've never seen anyone turn a hardass Admiral into a lovestruck fool the way you did whenever you walked in the room. Of course, he'd have sent me to Delta Vega in a heartbeat if I said a word about it. Anyway, You better believe I won't leave you willingly." 

Jamie giggled against him. Chris didn't like the fact he had a soft side being known, but she'd loved that she could bring it out of him. Bones's reassurance warmed her heart. He was so reliable.

The two of them parted with plans to meet for supper and Jamie returned home to read reports with extra energy.


	10. Into The Future/the Engagement

Slowly, the City of San Francisco emerged from the rubble of the Vengeance's wrath as the months passed and healing and rebuilding proceeded. Jamie and her crew were busier than ever preparing for the five year mission: Finalizing the Crew list (Jamie), Packing and re-packing their allotted amount, making arrangements for storage, visiting family, and tying up loose ends. 

Jamie visited the cemetery quite often over the summer, but as the departure date drew near, she began to make a last circuit of the places she and Chris had made memories in. 

Sometimes, she took a friend, sometimes she went alone, but she was working steadily down the checklist. 

She sat on the park bench for a while, went back to the restaurant where they had their first date, even flew to the ranch and talked to Ally on the patio in the exact spot she'd stood while reciting her vows. The younger Pike had decided to take charge of the ranch for the time being, quiet and solitude being her way of coping. 

"I can feel him here," she admitted as they watched the glorious sunset together. "This is his favorite place and I feel close to him just standing here."

Jamie understood. She'd sensed it too: from the horses in the stables to the well-worn boots still sitting by the door. 

As she was getting ready to leave, Ally disappeared into the master bedroom and emerged with a garment bag.

"I believe this belongs to you, Jam-up." 

She handed her the pale blue gown she'd been married in. Jamie accepted it with a lump in the throat, not sure if she should hang on to, or if it would be better to donate to someone who could wear it again.

"Thanks," she said softly. "You're the best, Ally. You could have been so weirded out by all this and having a super young, bratty, sister-in-law, but you weren't. We took a lot of flack, but you accepted the situation with a lot of grace."

"I was pretty flabbergasted, but I knew how particular my brother is and man, it was great to see you sassing him to the next quadrant and back. You could smell the chemistry from a mile away. Even Admirals get tired of being deferred to all the time, especially when they're off duty and just trying to be regular people. How could I be creeped out by my brother being happy?"

With a few tears and promises to keep in touch, they said goodbye and Jamie headed back to the city. She had an appointment with the hairdresser and then was headed to Spock and Uhura's for a quiet pre mission gathering with the bridge crew. 

She found herself rather nervous when she stood on the threshold. Who knew if they'd recognize her in her new look? She'd gone for something radically different. 

Uhura opened the door and stared for a second before breaking into an astonished grin.

"Jamie!! Is this what you were doing earlier? It looks fantastic!! Wow." She slowly circled around Jamie to get a good look. "The Pixie style really looks great on you." 

"You like it?" Jamie asked, with relief. 

"Oh, yes. Now we've got to show the others. They're all here." 

The captain was quickly shown into the living room, where Scotty, Sulu, Chekov, Carol, and Bones were lounging and talking.

"Sorry I'm late guys!" She said brightly. "Did I miss any shenanigans?" 

The conversations stopped and there was a moment of silence as they processed her new, very short haircut. 

"Captain??

"Oh, my!"

"Very bonny, lass!"

"That's quite a style change, but I like it." 

"You look amazing!"

And Everyone started talking at once. Bones looked a little shell shocked, but it was mostly from surprise (she hoped). Carol hugged her and said it was very flattering. 

"What brought this on?" Her quiet friend asked, hazel eyes looking like he wasn't sure if it was her or a stranger.

"I felt it was time," she said determinedly, "I'm about to start a brand new chapter of my life and I thought a redo was in order. It'll be easier to take care of out in space, too." 

There were understanding looks and gentle hugs from those who picked up on the hidden meaning. She was beginning the moving on process and it felt symbolic to start fresh. 

After they'd eaten and talked about plans for a few minutes, Jamie decided to share some more personal memories. Maybe it was the wine (Spock had great taste), maybe she was being sentimental, but she felt like one last Chris story was in order: specifically, the proposal story that happened under very awkward circumstances.

 

*********  
She wasn't sure how it got out, both of them being extremely careful to keep their personal relationship quiet, but not long after returning from another test run of the Enterprise, she found herself getting brought before the board being asked probing questions about the nature of her relationship with the Admiral. She wondered if this was Komack taking out his private vendetta against her because he grilled her a lot harder than the others did. 

She'd never wanted to punch a superior officer so hard as when he asked if she believed her and Chris's supposedly sexual relationship had something to do with her getting the Enterprise. 

The audacity of the question clearly shocked the other Admirals, even. She managed to coolly answer everything he threw at her, but her humiliation was complete and she fled to Spock and Uhura's place in a miserable state. It was all out now, and gossip would soon be flying. Chris probably would tell her they had to break up and she'd be right back at square one. Who knows what they'd threaten him with?

Nyota offered her comfort and a listening ear and Spock assured her that he had seen no reason or proof that they'd behaved in an unprofessional manner and Komack did not have the authority to punish her without the majority of the board's consent. 

Bones had called and warned her to stay away from her place for a while as reporters were swarming it, waiting to pounce. 

Jamie went silent at this final straw and Spock had to finish the conversation with a worried Bones, confirming that he and Nyota would keep the unwanted guests away from their captain.

She holed herself up in the guest room with tea and tissues and waited for the worst. 

A gentle knock sounded at the door while she was imagining what she'd do when she was kicked out in disgrace and a low voice asked to come in. 

Recognizing Chris immediately, she swallowed hard and said "Come In" as confidently as she could. 

He looked tired and frustrated, but also worried for her.

"They finish raking you over the coals?" She asked.

"Yes," he sighed. "It was obvious the whole thing was a farce. All the evidence they supposedly had didn't do one thing to support their claim. Archer didn't take long to throw it out. How did you do with Komack?"

She clenched her teeth, anger at the insulting questions returning at the mere mention of that jerk.

"He assumed our relationship had taken the next step so to speak...," she said, face reddening, "and asked if it influenced my grades or promotion. Made me sound like a complete whore." 

Chris's face turned dark. "To think I once respected that man," he muttered with a steely glare. "If he's not careful, he'll end up in front of the board eventually. Good thing I wasn't there, or they'd really have something to talk about."

"Like your deadly uppercut smashing his face?" Jamie put in mischievously. 

"Possibly," he shrugged, looking more relaxed, but she could still see the angry glint in his eye. 

Swallowing, she asked the burning question, eyes straying toward the floor. 

"Will we have to break up? They'll be watching us like a hawk from now on and I'm not sure I'm worth the trouble."

It came out in almost a whisper. 

"Get over here," Chris ordered gently, indicating the spot beside him on the end of the bed. She slowly unfurled from her curled up position on the easy chair and moved to sit beside him, quickly pulled close by a grey clad arm. 

"Jamie, if you think I'm giving up on us because of a petty witch hunt, you're very sorely mistaken, honey. Don't start with the I'm-not-worth-it mentality, because that's complete BS and you know it--you precious, crazy, beautiful woman, you." 

He kissed the top of her head and she gave an approving hum, turning a little pink at the endearments. 

"That's it," she mumbled against him. "I'm totally marrying you.

"Careful, sweetheart, I might take you up on that," Chris said lightly, but there was a serious undertone that made Jamie's heart flutter. 

"I want you to." She whispered back, as she realized that powerful truth. 

He stared at her, then gave one of those heart-melting smiles few people ever got to see and kissed her sweetly. 

"Well then," he said when they came up for air, "consider yourself engaged, Ms. Kirk." 

She beamed a sunshine smile that promptly earned her another kiss.  
*********

Captain Jamie Tabitha Kirk emerged from the turbolift to Chekov's enthusiastic declaration "Keptain on the bridge!!!" 

Jamie couldn't hold back the satisfied smile as she took her place in the Captain's chair on the Enterprise. She'd fought long and hard for this, come through death, pain, and loss, and in some ways was a very different person from the defiant young woman last year who hadn't fully understood the responsibilities of her position. She certainly respected the chair now, and hoped she'd do honor to the memory of her ship's original captain, who would always hold a large place in her heart. 

As they eased out of spacedock, Bones came up behind her and grumbled "Five years in space, God help me." 

"Aww, come on, Bones, it'll be fun," she encouraged him. 

"Ha!" He snorted, with his usual scowl. 

"You grump. Spock, are we ready to go?" 

"Yes, Captain," her first officer answered promptly. 

"All right then. Sulu, take her out."

"Aye, Captain." 

She grinned as the ship leaped into Warp and felt the thrill of the stars surge through her veins.

"Up I go, into the wild black yonder!" She thought, twisting the words to an old melody running through her mind that seemed appropriate. "I wish you were here, too, Chris, but somehow, I think you always will be." 

An echo of an old conversation sprang to her thoughts then and she heard the "Go get em, honey" as clearly as the day he'd spoken it. 

 

 

◦

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Part one finished! I really get emotional writing this and I hope I did the characters justice.  
> Part two will be more from Bones's point of view and deal with his unrequited(for a while, at least) love for his captain. My Pirk feels are not done and I hope to write more (happy!!) stories with them.

**Author's Note:**

> Have some angst folks. I'm giving up on fluff for awhile until people show interest in it. I have a secret Pirk shipper heart and suddenly got this idea at five AM this morning.


End file.
